Life Update ( Gods Goodness)

When I get overwhelmed, I hide. I know I can't be the only one who feels like that or operates this way, which is a sign of being an enneagram type 9, and just me being me and/or mild depression.

So I wanted to pop into your inbox to be real honest with you.

This year has been FULL of trials and just straight-up brutal.

We have been walking alongside my in-laws through a cancer diagnosis, and we have a house full of teens with hormones raging! On top of that, there has been a lot of loss and redirection in my job/ career.

I told my counselor the other day it feels like I am living with an active volcano nearby. We know it's going to blow. But we don't know when, and we can't prepare for the damage because we don't know the magnitude of the eruption. We just know it's rumbling and could erupt at any time.

So with these feelings and anxieties, I have just been hiding out. Building a ministry online is hard when your life feels hard. I long to show up and be a shining light for those around but how can I do that when my light feels so dim? I fight the feeling of being a fraud or liar and then get paralyzed by said fears.

I needed to take some time and rest. I had to pull back and evaluate what was going on with God and me, and then I had to surrender. I had to surrender my plans, my timeline, my ideals, and anythign else that started with MY.

In that surrender, God pressed in and reminded me that my words matter.

This fall has been tough. And I told myself that over and over again. "this month sucks; just chalk it up to September; this child is set out to ruin my life, and this season is hard." Words like this and worse just ran out of my mouth and in my brain on a loop.

As they did, my posture changed. I struggled to find joy and allowed myself to feel the suck in this season. The problem was I was also isolated. I was hiding from my friends and wasn't showing up online. I was hiding, believing the words I was saying, and thinking.

I started counseling, and it immediately began shedding light on my words and inner struggles. Because here's the deal, the thoughts didn't stop there. They grew; if this season was hard, maybe I wasn't strong enough to deal with it. If this kid was out to ruin me, perhaps I am not the parent for them; if they are struggling, it must be my fault. And while I am spiraling, let's stress eat and then attack our body because I can't even care for myself properly.

That's when God sweetly pulled me close and said, "where are these words coming from?! They are not from me. Let's get to the root of it." He reminded me that my words carry power. Whether they are said out loud or in my brain, they are powerful.

Take every THOUGHT captive. 2 Corinthians 5:10

This is where I started. I had to get to the root of where these thoughts were coming from, why they were believable and how to usher them out.

For example, eating my feelings is a major struggle because it's not like I am ever feeling sad and grabbing a salad. No, I head for taco bell, my sad girl guilty pleasure. On the days I would have the urge to eat my feelings, I would ask myself, Is this how you want to cope? Do you want to allow yourself to feel not great and beat yourself up?! No, let's do something different.

I was forced to treat myself like a toddler and replace the permanent marker with a toy. Negative thing out, fun thing in.

So things like, "let's go to the gym early today, get some endorphins," or I would bust out my notes app and journal. What is making me feel like I need to eat something? What was I feeling, and what did I want to feel later? What truth could I find, and if none, how could I combat the lie?

Lot's of FEELINGS.

So why share all of this with you?! Trust me, I have asked myself this over and over. I don't want to dump any sadness or start a pity party, but I want to be honest. I want to be a friend who is reliable and relatable. I needed to tell you where I have been these last few months so I can tell you where we are going!

I am a friend on the internet who is trying to encourage you, point you to Jesus, and remind you that you are not alone.

My mission here is to make sure you feel seen, heard, and loved no matter what you are facing, and if I hide, I can't see you nor can I share the junk we are walking through here.

+ So, if your kids are kicking your butt, I see you. Hold the line. This is the hardest but the best advice I have for you right now. Hold the line, meaning be strong. The rule you made is a good one, and let it stand!

+ If you are struggling with self-hate, I am sorry. I want to remind you that God made you just as He wants you, snacky habits and all. I adore you. A new workout plan won't fix everything, but some solid endorphins can help, don't be afraid to care for yourself.

+mIf you are caring for a loved one, driving to and from doctors, getting bad news, sleeping in a hospital bed, managing meds, and more. God Bless You. I hate that for you and your loved one. I hate that we must see and deal with sickness here. Do your best to take care of yourself too. Find something you can do to treat yourself, a book, podcast, pedicure, nap. I don't know, treat yourself!

+ If you are running through the list of negative things, stop and look for a positive. I'm not leaning into toxic positivity here so hear me out! This is something I had to do to show myself the truth that it was ALL bad. We have had some great moments amidst the sucky; honestly, the good outweighed the bad. The bad is just louder, right?!

Man, I care so deeply for you. I am fighting the desire to apologize for sharing the more complicated parts of my season, but I believe our words have power, and I know I am not the only one struggling. So I wanted to share what I have been doing to grow and climb out of the pit I found myself in.

Take those thoughts captive.

But don't stop there.

Dig them out and replace them.

I'll be back soon with a recap of content I have been loving, an update on what I am working on, and more!